Hair Helmets, Gold Shoes and Aging Semi-Gracefully

So a while back I made a comment about a woman in front of my co-workers (church work, remember?), about how I would love to see what that woman would look like if she had been thrown in a pool. After the expected gasps of shock, I explained why. I love "little old lady" hair. You know, the stiff hair helmet that NEVER moves! We have us some gale force winds out here in West Texas, and no matter what - come rain,  shine, wind or no wind, it is always perfect! Last Sunday, I had to stop myself from giggling at all of the blue haired ladies in the church with their perfect coifs, just fluffed and sealed with Aqua Net Super Strength for Sunday service. The pool senario just kept running through my head! There is a southern saying which I love "The taller the hair, the closer to God", and by all means, these ladies are getting closer and closer (no age pun intended). I have made a mental list of women that I want to throw in a swimming pool, you know, just to see what they would look like in their state of "drowned rat" without the perfect hair. Obviously I cannot share the names of people that attend my church, or my friends, or family,  but by using Betty White, bless her heart, as an example, I think I get my point across. What would she look like without her signature perfect hair?? And while I am at it, why not throw Donald Trump in a pool too....what is under that hair?? I want to know!

I am terrible, I know this, you don't have to tell me! Also, what is it about getting older that entitles us women to be able to wear gold shoes with velour jogging suits and not think a second thing about it?? Think about it. How often do you see that at the grocery store, Dr's office, on your own grandmother!? I love it, personally. When I am old, thats the old lady I am going to be: Perfectly pouffed hair, gold shoes, velour jogging suit....just you wait.

This brings me to another "pondering point" though.....when does this transistion start? When does a woman decide to put down the flat iron and go to their "beauty operator" and say "Cut it off, give me the hair helmet!"? When do the gold shoes become P.C.? And the gaudy velour jogging suits, usually with some rhinestone accents, and always in a jewel tone, when are those age appropriate?? I guess I will know when I get there. Maybe I should just start now....I need to go find a pair of gold SAS shoes...

Yep, these will do.....

So ugly, they're cute!

As the proud momma of two precious bulldogs, I couldn't resist this poem! Enjoy!

How The Bulldog Got Its Face

When the Good Lord gave out faces to the dogs long ago,

He found, when he had issued them there was still one dog to go -

"Where's this dog's face?" He called aloud, "I know I must have made it.

There must be someone hereabouts who's clumsily mislaid it."

A shy young angel then stepped up, "Forgive me, Lord," he said.

He stuttered and he stammered and he turned a little red-

"I never thought it was a face - it fell out of your bag.

So I thought you had discarded it as just a piece of rag.-

"So I promptly went and used it for so very many things,

Like polishing up the halos and waxing up the wings.

"It's creased and crumpled as you see - in truth it's a disgrace..

I don't know how. my dearest Lord, you can use it for a face.

"I realise it's all my fault, and there's no one else to blame.

I trust you can forgive me Lord, My heart's so full of shame."

"Of course I have forgiven you, but here we've got a mess,

So I'll make amends to this poor dog and him I'll truly bless.

"He'll be called an 'English Bulldog' that's about the only place

Where the people are so silly as to love an ugly face.

But he'll be kind and gentle and of courage he'll be full -

As well as love and loyalty - the ugly, lovely Bull."

And that is how, my children, in that long-gone year of grace

The dear old English Bulldog got his lovely, ugly face. . .

By A.N.K. Hobbs

So I gave up impatience for Lent, not negativity or sarcasm.....

So, as you may have guessed, or picked up from my ramblings on here, yes, I am a pleasantly plump, chubby girl.  No poor pitiful me stories....I know that I need to lose weight, I know that I need to get healthy, and I have tried, am trying, and will try for the rest of my life, I am just that kinda blessed with this wonderfully huge ass that I am realistic in the fact that I will have to work my entire life to get it off and keep it off.

So why am I being negative today??? I will tell you why - when over 60% of the female population of the United States is considered "obese" why doesn't somebody capitalize on the fact that about 59% of the said 60% is young? There are websites for "Plus Size Teens" and then there are the stores and websites for "Plus Size Women (read: old ladies)" there is nothing in between. I don't mean to bitch bitch bitch....but good greif! I was recently browsing some plus size duds online, since it is not cool to have more than one rack of "Plus Size" clothing in department stores, and I spent most of my time laughing.

Here's the thing.....there is a great store here in San Angelo that sells clothes for sizes from 0-28, but, BUT, the fat girl side has no bras, bathing suits, panties or pajamas. This made me mad at first, so I wrote a letter to their corporate office (after I put one of the bras on my thigh in the store to make a point that it fit around my thigh just fine, but did not do anything for my boobs whatsoever). I explained to them that plus size women do in fact wear underwear, go swimming (wether you like it or not) and sleep with pajamas on. I never heard anything back personally from the corporate world, but the store did receive a shipment of chubby gal pj's with a letter stating that they had plans to expand the chubby side of the store. Well.....we'll see about that.

SO....back to my online browsing....here is what I have found recently, and my reasoning for HATING it. If I had the $$ or a financial backer, I would sooooo have a clothing line. Anyway....enjoy!

So I am headed to the beach in April for my annual Renewal of Sanity trip to Sandfest and I am shopping for a bathing suit. Lord knows that I will be putting a tank top and shorts over it anyway, so I really am not too particular about the suit, but this one cracks me up. Do you know why??? I beg you to find the reason why..... Ok, I give up on you: notice the metal ring between the "boobies" on this suit? You know what that does to a fat girl?? It would look like a biscuit between the boobs of the more well endowed women out there. Just sayin'

Ridiculousness #2. These are called Plus Size Skinny Jeans.......am I the only one that knows what an oxymoron is?? Really. No woman over a size 6 needs to wear skinny jeans......ever......enough said.

Oh yes, these are stirrup pants, do not adjust your screen. If you will notice the model wearing them is not exaclty what I would call "Plus Sized" at all, although these are being sold on a plus size website. Some things should never, ever make a comeback, these are it. ESPECIALLY in plus size.

Really......this exhausts me......just say no to rompers if you are over a size 6.

Well, I feel better....hope everyone has a groovy day!! :)

Just a Thursday night outing.... :)

Here are the pictures of our trip to Electric Voodoo tattoo shop last night!

Many thanks to Randy.....Dad and I are both very happy! :)

Mine just after he finished working on it - where the red is will be pink when it is healed.

What it looks like today....much better...still touchy though!

Dad during the tattoo, the outline, no color yet.

Here he is with it finished - black outline with red on the inside.

White Trash? nah!

As I mentioned, I have a couple of tattoos; a tree of life with faith, hope, and love in Gaelic on my back, a clover and a tribal sun on my hips, and I am itching for one more. Tattoos are addicting, I won't lie, I love 'em!

Several months ago my Dad and I started talking about getting a tattoo together, and we are finally going to do it! :)

Let me back up and tell you a little about the person my Dad is; he is eclectic. He is a rancher and contract pumper in the oil field. He does guided hunts on their ranch during hunting season. He is a very active volunteer with the prison ministry in Texas, and this is just one of his passions. He is on his motorcycle every chance he gets. He wears do-rags and has a long gray braid down his back and a full gray beard (picture Jerry Garcia and Willie Nelson's love child). If there is one thing I can say about him it is that he is passionate. He is passionate about his family, his heritage, his ranch, his prison ministry and his motorcycle aptly named 'Pearl'. Pearl is named after his two favorite women in his life, his grandmother, my great grandmother Pearl, who passed away in 2006 and his wife, my mother whose name is Sharena Pearl. Consequently these two women have big my biggest influences in my life, and are forever my heroes.

So, Thursday, my Dad and I are going to go get matching tattoos of the name 'Pearl'. Most people would consider this a little less than classy, but frankly, darling, I don't give a darn!

Dad and I haven't had the greatest relationship during my life, especially when I was a know it all teenager, but I am looking foward to this experience with my Dad. It is a bonding of sorts I guess. As an adult I have come to realize (with some help from therapy :) ) that my Dad has always done the best he could for his family, come thick or thin. Now, I wouldn't trade the sweet man I have come to know all over again for anything, he has become my spritual advisor, and one hell of a great Dad.

Thursday evening we are going to get the name Pearl tattooed on our bodies as a forever reminder of the women that have influenced our lives so strongly. For me it will also be a reminder of my Dad and his love for these two incredible women, and for me.

Short & Stumpy

Went shopping with a dear friend last Friday night and had a ball.  We went to the mall to make a pit stop at Bath & Body works (hellar! 20% email coupon, that could be used on items already on sale! I have enough body wash to last me until I am 30) and to buy him some gloves at Dillard's. Um....it was a Three Hour Tour for sure.

Bath & Body went off without a hitch, then we stopped in at Dillard's, only to discover that they are having the BEST SALE EVER! My friend ended up with a stunning suit, two pairs of fantastic shoes, and two very nice sweaters.....and he only spent $200!! Um...and he didn't get the gloves :) I ended up with a new Fiestaware place setting in "Lemongrass" at half price. We shopped victoriously, fo' sho'!

Things were going well until I started browsing the "Big and Tall" section while my shopping companion was in the dressing room. My husband is built like a NFL offensive lineman.....huge shoulders, 54" chest, 20" neck, 42X30 pants.....so he is a shortish NFL offensive lineman only coming in at 5'10".  The mega sale had some mega brand names marked down like  80%, dress shirts, pants, sweaters- you name it, it was on sale.....here is my problem:

Patrick does not fall into "BIG & TALL" or "REGULAR" men's clothing catagories. The biggest waist size I could find in the "regular" area was 40", granted they did have 2X shirts, but they had about three in the entire store that were circa 1992.  So when I moved on to the big and tall section I discovered plenty of 42" and 44" pants......with inseams only as short as 34".  Then I check out the shirts, dress shirts, fabulous dress shirts in a 2X......but they would have come down to his knees!!!! I wanted to curl into the fetal position and cry between the clothing racks.

Here is my solution:

Like the women's department, why is there not a Petite section for men?? Even in the women's plus size sections you can find Plus/Petite for us short, chubby girls. I mean, really, it is an oxymoron for sure; the whole plus sized but petite at the same time, but apparently if you have the waist size that I do,  you are expected to be 6'2",  which I am FAR from. Now, you also can not call a men's department Big & Petite, you wouldn't catch any men there.....EVER. So what are we left with?? Short & Stumpy?? Vertically Challenged & Stocky?? Husky & Close to the Ground?? My vote is for Short & Stumpy.

What's in a name....

Chunky Salsa?? Why?? Why not!!??

A few years ago I had a revelation (or at least that's what I thought!) and I am forever dedicated to making Chunky Salsa a reality.

Here's the story:

I am always dealing with up and downs with my weight, mostly ups, which is just another thing I have learned to embrace.  At the point in my life that said "revelation" happened, I was looking for a new way for the "downs".  This was about the time that Kirstie Alley was on her Jenny Craig kick, and she was on a talk show talking, imagine that, about how she was losing weight. She said one of the ways that she worked in some activity during her busy days was by cleaning her house in high heels listening to crazy music and throwing in a few dance moves between the dust bunnies and dishes. What a novel idea, right?? My neighbors would never think that I was crazy if "It's Raining Men" or "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" was blaring from my house in the middle of the day, whilst they can see me through my windows doing my best impression of the lawn mower and the sprinkler in a pair of Jimmy Choo knockoffs, while simultaneously folding laundry. No white jacket for me, thank you very much!!!

So, I thought and thought, and thought some more about what I could do with my new found knowledge.  And it hit me!!! I would open a fitness/dance studio and offer classes in different types of dance, yoga, maybe some pilates and we would do it all in high heels....how much fun would that be!!??  But here is my problem, I have never found the skinny girls at the gym anything more than some eye candy for the boys pretending to lift weights. (The skinny girls I refer to so lovingly are the ones that wear full make up, boufant hair, and the shortest booty shorts they could find that morning, complimented by a sports bra....and huge hoop earrings...you know exactly what I am talking about. While I am on the stairmaster sweating my fat ass off in cut off sweat pants and a hand me down tee shirt from my husband, with what is left from the day's makeup making me look like a stand in in an Alice Cooper music video - this is the type of thing that I DO NOT want to be looking at.) So the studio had to be a "Barbie Free Zone", Skippers only! But how does one accomplish this with out stepping on dainty, little, perfectly painted toes???

It's all in the name girls, all in the name. The name of my studio would be "Chunky Salsa".

One day my dream will come to fruition....one of these days.....

It's what all the cool kids are doing.....

So here I am, blogging....what a nerd. I have been thinking about starting a blog for a while, with no real target audience in mind, or subject matter really - maybe, just maybe, I can make someone giggle (under your breath if you are at work reading this), or think about things in a different way.

I am not really an "interesting" person, I haven't been around the world (unfortunately), I am not blogging about my recent missionary work (yet), I am just a girl with some opinions and thoughts that I feel like maybe someone out there could relate with.

To start with - who am I?? Who AM I? I am an aunt to some wonderful kiddos, I am a sister to two great men (who couldn't be more opposite!) and their wonderful wives, I am a wife, I am who I am, I am a daughter to two amazing (and also very opposite) parents. I am a 20 something year old college drop out with a real estate license that I don't currently use. I am married to a wonderful man who is absolutely my best friend, and above all else he puts up with what we refer to as "my craziness". It drives me insane when women go on and on and on and on about what a wonderful husband they have....it makes me a bit skeptical....I on the other hand will tell you that I am OCD beyond belief and we fight about my tics at least once a week, or how he loaded the dishwasher, or how he replaced the trash bag in the trash can, or how the sheets are wrong on the bed, if the door is locked, if the iron is unplugged, or how he folded a towel .....So you see, I have a WONDERFUL husband, who puts up with that craziness. My husband and I have two wonderful English Bulldogs, that serve as our perpetual couch fixtures. I am a big girl, I am not gonna lie, and plus sized clothing just pisses me off, we'll get into that later! I paint and decorate guitars when I have time off. And I love to get out in the yard and pretend like I know what I am doing with landscaping and taking care of it. I grew up 30 miles from nowhere, literally, in south central Texas. So...I am a country girl, and I talk funny, and I dress funny, and I EMBRACE it all!

My life has been a good life so far, no real complaints.....you know we all have dysfunctional families, some more than others, and in my case we definitely feed off of each others dysfunction, and occasionally get pretty ruthless. But it keeps life interesting.

I am currently a church secretary at an Episcopal Church, I love my job. I LOVE my job. I am not the evangelical, witnessing type so I won't get into all of the gooey stuff about how my job affects my spiritual life, but I will tell you that it is awesome. The people I work with are incredible, and having a priest for a boss (a priest with a fantastic sense of humor) is another reason I love my job. I grew up in the Episcopal church and after a brief hiatus in college (read: drinking!), and a four year BUSY career as a Realtor, a job ad in the local newspaper caught my eye. The local Episcopal church needed a secretary! It was time for a break in my young life and also a spiritual renewal of sorts. A month after applying for the job I accepted the postion of "Church Lady". I worked there for a year, moved away for 10 months because of my husband's job (that was supposed to be a three year contract) and then moved back and praise God, the job was open again. I have been back in my seat as church lady for the last 5 months and love it.

I guess you could say that appearances can be deceiving....I hate slacks, I wear jeans or khakis to work as much as I can, I have a pierced nose (which I take out for work), a couple of tattoos that I keep under wraps as per the dress code here, and of course I am currently 24. The median age for most church secretaries is at least 60....as many are retirees looking for some "light" work. I must say that I stay pretty busy at my job, especially during Lent, Advent, Epiphany, and the Easter season. Occasionally I come up for air, and am thankful for the blessings that I have.

Ok...enough gooey. Lets get right down to it..... You can love this blog or hate it, but be nice about your comments (if anyone bothers to read it) there is no point in being mean, because NICE MATTERS! I want opinions and feedback, but I am not, and will not pretend to be, interested in arguing with anyone about my opinions.

A lot of what has been going through this crazy head of mine is....um....interesting, and I think this may be the perfect outlet. I will surely embarrass my family....but why not, I am the Plaid Sheep of my family after all. Stay tuned!