Hair Helmets, Gold Shoes and Aging Semi-Gracefully

So a while back I made a comment about a woman in front of my co-workers (church work, remember?), about how I would love to see what that woman would look like if she had been thrown in a pool. After the expected gasps of shock, I explained why. I love "little old lady" hair. You know, the stiff hair helmet that NEVER moves! We have us some gale force winds out here in West Texas, and no matter what - come rain,  shine, wind or no wind, it is always perfect! Last Sunday, I had to stop myself from giggling at all of the blue haired ladies in the church with their perfect coifs, just fluffed and sealed with Aqua Net Super Strength for Sunday service. The pool senario just kept running through my head! There is a southern saying which I love "The taller the hair, the closer to God", and by all means, these ladies are getting closer and closer (no age pun intended). I have made a mental list of women that I want to throw in a swimming pool, you know, just to see what they would look like in their state of "drowned rat" without the perfect hair. Obviously I cannot share the names of people that attend my church, or my friends, or family,  but by using Betty White, bless her heart, as an example, I think I get my point across. What would she look like without her signature perfect hair?? And while I am at it, why not throw Donald Trump in a pool too....what is under that hair?? I want to know!

I am terrible, I know this, you don't have to tell me! Also, what is it about getting older that entitles us women to be able to wear gold shoes with velour jogging suits and not think a second thing about it?? Think about it. How often do you see that at the grocery store, Dr's office, on your own grandmother!? I love it, personally. When I am old, thats the old lady I am going to be: Perfectly pouffed hair, gold shoes, velour jogging suit....just you wait.

This brings me to another "pondering point" though.....when does this transistion start? When does a woman decide to put down the flat iron and go to their "beauty operator" and say "Cut it off, give me the hair helmet!"? When do the gold shoes become P.C.? And the gaudy velour jogging suits, usually with some rhinestone accents, and always in a jewel tone, when are those age appropriate?? I guess I will know when I get there. Maybe I should just start now....I need to go find a pair of gold SAS shoes...

Yep, these will do.....

So ugly, they're cute!

As the proud momma of two precious bulldogs, I couldn't resist this poem! Enjoy!

How The Bulldog Got Its Face

When the Good Lord gave out faces to the dogs long ago,

He found, when he had issued them there was still one dog to go -

"Where's this dog's face?" He called aloud, "I know I must have made it.

There must be someone hereabouts who's clumsily mislaid it."

A shy young angel then stepped up, "Forgive me, Lord," he said.

He stuttered and he stammered and he turned a little red-

"I never thought it was a face - it fell out of your bag.

So I thought you had discarded it as just a piece of rag.-

"So I promptly went and used it for so very many things,

Like polishing up the halos and waxing up the wings.

"It's creased and crumpled as you see - in truth it's a disgrace..

I don't know how. my dearest Lord, you can use it for a face.

"I realise it's all my fault, and there's no one else to blame.

I trust you can forgive me Lord, My heart's so full of shame."

"Of course I have forgiven you, but here we've got a mess,

So I'll make amends to this poor dog and him I'll truly bless.

"He'll be called an 'English Bulldog' that's about the only place

Where the people are so silly as to love an ugly face.

But he'll be kind and gentle and of courage he'll be full -

As well as love and loyalty - the ugly, lovely Bull."

And that is how, my children, in that long-gone year of grace

The dear old English Bulldog got his lovely, ugly face. . .

By A.N.K. Hobbs

So I gave up impatience for Lent, not negativity or sarcasm.....

So, as you may have guessed, or picked up from my ramblings on here, yes, I am a pleasantly plump, chubby girl.  No poor pitiful me stories....I know that I need to lose weight, I know that I need to get healthy, and I have tried, am trying, and will try for the rest of my life, I am just that kinda blessed with this wonderfully huge ass that I am realistic in the fact that I will have to work my entire life to get it off and keep it off.

So why am I being negative today??? I will tell you why - when over 60% of the female population of the United States is considered "obese" why doesn't somebody capitalize on the fact that about 59% of the said 60% is young? There are websites for "Plus Size Teens" and then there are the stores and websites for "Plus Size Women (read: old ladies)" there is nothing in between. I don't mean to bitch bitch bitch....but good greif! I was recently browsing some plus size duds online, since it is not cool to have more than one rack of "Plus Size" clothing in department stores, and I spent most of my time laughing.

Here's the thing.....there is a great store here in San Angelo that sells clothes for sizes from 0-28, but, BUT, the fat girl side has no bras, bathing suits, panties or pajamas. This made me mad at first, so I wrote a letter to their corporate office (after I put one of the bras on my thigh in the store to make a point that it fit around my thigh just fine, but did not do anything for my boobs whatsoever). I explained to them that plus size women do in fact wear underwear, go swimming (wether you like it or not) and sleep with pajamas on. I never heard anything back personally from the corporate world, but the store did receive a shipment of chubby gal pj's with a letter stating that they had plans to expand the chubby side of the store. Well.....we'll see about that.

SO....back to my online browsing....here is what I have found recently, and my reasoning for HATING it. If I had the $$ or a financial backer, I would sooooo have a clothing line. Anyway....enjoy!

So I am headed to the beach in April for my annual Renewal of Sanity trip to Sandfest and I am shopping for a bathing suit. Lord knows that I will be putting a tank top and shorts over it anyway, so I really am not too particular about the suit, but this one cracks me up. Do you know why??? I beg you to find the reason why..... Ok, I give up on you: notice the metal ring between the "boobies" on this suit? You know what that does to a fat girl?? It would look like a biscuit between the boobs of the more well endowed women out there. Just sayin'

Ridiculousness #2. These are called Plus Size Skinny Jeans.......am I the only one that knows what an oxymoron is?? Really. No woman over a size 6 needs to wear skinny jeans......ever......enough said.

Oh yes, these are stirrup pants, do not adjust your screen. If you will notice the model wearing them is not exaclty what I would call "Plus Sized" at all, although these are being sold on a plus size website. Some things should never, ever make a comeback, these are it. ESPECIALLY in plus size.

Really......this exhausts me......just say no to rompers if you are over a size 6.

Well, I feel better....hope everyone has a groovy day!! :)